Coping With Depression & Grief Michele Macaulay Loss of a loved one tests even the strongest of faiths. What happens when we die? What did my loved one experience? Is there life after death? Your mind races with a million questions and a million thoughts yet you function publicly on some type of auto drive endlessly telling people you’ll be OK. There is a period after loss when you may not even be able to remember a loved one’s face or the sound of their voice, how could that possibly be when thoughts of them consume not only your waking time but often your dreams. You seem trapped between the past and the present. I’ve dealt with people who have felt they were losing their mind. I have heard fear and anxiety over thoughts that they felt they dare not tell another living soul. Distorted thoughts, things recognized as morbid or unhealthy, but still there. I had one client who felt need to sleep on her father’s grave several nights after his funeral. Ultimately, these are all part of the shock of loss, part of grief. These thoughts should not be overanalyzed as sometimes traditional ways of healing don’t go along with our needs. Not everyone can just heal by accepting what has happened as “part of life”; some people need to heal in their own ways. It is very important in this stage to find an outlet, to find someone who will JUST listen and NOT judge. Someone who isn’t going to say “I know just how you feel”. No one will ever know “just how you feel”. Unfortunately, finding a person that is capable of this is difficult, but you can TEACH them to help you. Ask for what you need. Be open and honest. Now is not the time to worry about stepping on toes. If you need time alone, ask for it. If you need someone to JUST listen, tell them. If you need to spend a lot of time at the cemetery at first, do it. Look outside of your social circle if you need to, call hotlines, chat, and utilize sites such as this. Having the feeling that you aren’t going to make it through without losing your mind is really very common. It’s our brain’s reaction to high levels of stress. It’s OK to feel lost, it’s OK to grieve and it’s certainly OK if your way of grieving doesn’t fall into some “standard”. Through this process keep someone who you trust to let you have your own feelings, as they are very important in your healing. Keep in mind that withdrawal is dangerous to the healing process. Your confidante, whether it be a Physician, a Counselor, a Friend or a Support Site can offer you release, use it! You’d be surprised just how good it can feel to just let it all out, to cry, to scream, to vent. Your support person/persons can also act as a safety net should your depression deepen or you withdraw. You’ll need someone trustworthy to tell you it’s time for further help should that need arise. Also, don’t feel the need to limit yourself to one person; it often helps to give yourself as wide a range as you can because different people are able to soothe us in different ways. You will come through this, believe it or not. Life will never be the same but it can be good again. Different, but good. Tips for Coping with Depression and Grief 1. Allow yourself time to Grieve: Don’t think that jumping right back to work will ‘distract’ you from your Grief. You must cope with your loss, you can’t avoid it. 2. Some days just taking a shower and walking to the mailbox might be progress! As depression sets in just doing these simple tasks may take all the energy you have. Try to expose yourself to sunlight as it has natural healing powers. If you can’t make it outside, at least open the blinds and windows to let some natural light in. Breathe new air. Force yourself to bathe if you have to. 3. SAY NO! When people are giving unwanted advice on ‘What you need to do’, speak up and say No thanks. You don’t have to create a confrontation in order to be assertive. Right now, you need to heal and not everyone understands what you need in order to do that. Ask for it. 4. Visit your Health care Professional should you get the feeling that you can’t seem to get on with life. 5. Allow yourself to laugh. Grieving is not about self punishment, it’s about loss. Your loved one would WANT you to be OK. You shouldn’t feel guilty about living. Just a side note…. I found this very touching. After the loss of a friend of ours, my daughter and I were at the cemetery as we had been so many times since his passing. My daughter was different on this particular visit. She was not helping me pick weeds around his gravesite as she always had, instead she was oddly distracted-interested in everything but our usual visit routine. I asked why she wasn’t helping and to my surprise she announced in her little 5 year old matter-of-fact way “Well, he’s not here anymore”. I was taken aback by her statement. I asked her “Is he in Heaven now” as I pointed up. She said, “Well, yes, he’s in heaven now but Heaven is not UP”. So, curiously I asked, “Where is heaven then?”. She pointed to her chest and said, “Right here! Because when I think of him this is where I feel him, so that must be where heaven is”. So small and so profound……. Michele Macaulay, LPC, LMFT, NCC, has a Master's Plus 30 in Counseling. She works with young to middle aged adults who have addictive disorders with a co occurring mental issue (ie depression, anxiety, etc) in which grief is a common denominator. |